Humor - Miscellaneous

Assorted Laws
Shipboard Newbie Go'fer Lines
Engineers' Dictum
Sailor's Old and New List

Assorted Laws

1.  In any group of eagles you'll find some turkeys.

2. The further down the table of organization you are, the more you'll be missed if you're late to work.

3.  When someone is kicking your ass, at least you know you're out in front.

4. Facts without theory is trivia.  Theory without facts is BS.

5. Mice get stepped on when elephants dance.

6. Communications is equal to the square root of the mistakes times confusion times contradictions.

7. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

8. It is impossible to tell from a distance whether a headquarters staff working on a project is simply sitting on their hands or frantically trying to cover their asses.

9. The best way to get credit is to try to give it away.

10. Whom you badmouth today will be your boss tomorrow.

11. A squeaking wheel may get the grease, but it's also the first to be replaced.

12. First law of survival.  Keep the boss's boss off the boss's back.

13. Real seasickness is not when you're afraid you'll die, but when you're afraid you'll live.

14. Problems that go away by themselves will come back by themselves.

15. Education is not a substitute for intelligence.

16. It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

17. Commanders must be kept busy or else everyone else will be.

18. Never wrestle with a pig, you will both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

19. If you can't live with the answer, don't ask the question.

20. When you're up to your arse in alligators its hard to remember that your original plan was to drain the swamp.  [Dan Tanzey of the UK for #20-29]

21. The most dangerous thing known to man - an officer with a map. 

22. Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.  Corollary: Anything that can't go wrong will go wrong.

23. O'Toole's comment on Murphy's Law,  "Murphy was an optimist."

24. The Non-reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results; Positive expectations yield negative results.

25. The other queue moves faster. Proof: Change lines and the one you left will move faster.

26. Triangular sandwiches taste nicer.

27. One of the most embarrassing things that can happen is when you get your pint-to-toilet in synchronization with a complete stranger.

28. There is no way to describe the smell of a wet cat.

29. No-one makes sergeants, they are produced in Petrie dishes - like all bacteria.

30.  No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will modify the results.

31. Where there is a will there is a won't.

32. You can make it foolproof, but you cannot make it damn fool proof.

33. Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself.

34.  When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

35. Never argue with an idiot - people watching may not be able to tell the difference!

36. The one in charge will never cease to amaze you with their profound knowledge of the obvious. [OS1 A. Harp]

37. As soon as you make it foolproof, they will invent a better fool. (ET2 C.W. Landes)

38. You can make it foolproof, but you can not make it sailor proof!


Shipboard Newbie Go'fer Lines

1. Bucket of prop wash from the aviators

2. Gallon of jet blast

3. Left handed wrench from the tool room

4. Adjustable metric wrench from the tool room

5. Fathom of water line from the Boatswain's locker

6. Fathom of shore line from the Boatswain's locker

7. Fathom of flight line

8. Red and green oil for the running lights

9. Piston return spring from the engine room

10. Dehydrated water from the boiler room

11. A sine waver from the electronics shop (Revives flattened sine waves)

12. High frequency cleaner from the electronics shop

13. Board stretcher from the carpenter shop

14. A grid square from the chartroom

15. Bucket of steam from the boiler room

16. A look at the golden rivet in the keel

17. Striped paint in the paint locker

18. Relative bearing grease

19. Fifty feet of chow line  [Steve Graham #19-25]

20. A box of radar contacts

21. A box of radio contacts

22. Captain's Mast grease

23. Rudder grease

24. Twenty feet of Plimsoll line

25. A sea bat

26. Sound powered phone batteries [GSE2 Stacey C. Smith Sr. #25-26]

27. Gas credit card before UnRep commences

28. Report for sweepers in the bowling alley. [OS1 A. Harp #28-30]

29. Find a fallopian tube for the PMS radar.

30. Change the light bulbs in the light locker.

31. Food for the shaft seals. [ET3 Clint Stower #30-31]

32. Twenty feet of gig line

33. BT punch. [sdjdish@ ]

34. The mast crank to lower the ship's mast when passing under a bridge

35. A bosun's punch

36. An "ID 10 T" form from the ship's office

37. Non skid wax for the decks



Engineers' Dictum

1.  Measure it with a micrometer.  Mark it with a grease pencil.  Cut it with an ax.

2.  If it doesn't fit, get a bigger hammer.  Pound it to fit.  Paint it to match.

3.  If it doesn't fit, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. [PO2 Duke]

4. The seriousness of a mechanical failure is directly proportionate to the number of khakis required to observe it!  [Moe Goodell]


Sailor's Old and New List

Old - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk or in your workspace.
New - If you smoke, you get sent to the weather deck and treated like a leper.

Old - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
New - Everyone has a terminal and downloads email.

Old - If ops allowed you could stand in line and make a phone patch via MARS saying "over" after every transmission.
New - Anytime you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work.

Old - If you left the ship on liberty or leave it was in Dress Blues or Dress Whites, even in your home port.
New - The only time you wear a dress uniform ashore is for ceremonies.

Old - Liberty parties had their dress uniforms inspected by the OOD (officer of the deck) before going ashore.
New - Liberty parties are gatherings at the hot clubs ashore where everyone wants to appear civilian. 

Old - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.
New - Bell bottoms are gone and  teen age girls wear them everywhere.

Old - You wore a Dixie cup (white hat) all day, with every uniform.
New - It's gone and you have a choice in different hats and caps.

Old - Dress Blue and Dress White (uniforms) looked like traditional sailors.
New - You can't tell the Coast Guard from the Air Force or the Navy from the Marines.

Old - Most division offices had a typewriter for doing daily reports.
New - Everyone has a computer with Internet access (and we wonder why no work gets done).

Old - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
New - We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Old - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
New - She is on your same ship, praying your condom worked.

Old - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
New - If you get drunk off duty and go near the ship you'll soon be in rehab and looking for a new career.

Old - Canteens were made out of metal and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
New - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.

Old - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.
New - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given wedgies.

Old - Advancement was celebrated with initiations.
New - Initiation is harassment, participants will receive NJP and the CO will be relieved.

Old - Enemy intelligence was collected and analyzed.
New - Your pee is collected and analyzed.

Old - If you screwed up the chief assigned you extra military instruction or "counseled" you in creative way until you "saw the light".
New - If you screw up a paper trail is started that follows you forever.

Old - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
New - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

Old - You slept in an open barracks or squad bay like real military.
New - You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.

Old - The leading chief in your division had served on 8-10 ships, been shot at in real combat and could melt your dog tags with his hot glare.
New - The leading chief in your division has a masters degree in human relations, plays Battlefield on his laptop and glares at hot dogs.

Old - You lined up for payday and signed you name for the ancient warrant officer and his petty officer's all wearing .45's.
New - You line up at the ATM on the mess deck for cash to go ashore and buy a couple of Colt 45 Malt Liquors.

Old - You ate in the mess hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
New - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Old - For off duty relaxation, you went to the EM Club , played pool, smoked and drank beer.
New - For off duty relaxation you go to the Community Center and play video games or turn on your computer.

Old - All non-rated newbies had a tour as mess cook or compartment cleaner.
New - Ashore civilian contractors handle the chores.  Afloat some things haven't changed, yet.

Old - The Exchange had bargains for those who didn't make much money.
New - You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart even after taxes.

Old - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a few charts.
New - The Admiral's entire staff spends days preparing a Power Point presentation.

Old - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds" because we didn't like them.
New - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors" so we won't offend them.

Old - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all their things were broken.
New - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and promises he won't bother us again.

Old - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
New - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
Add your bit to any list.